Tuesday, May 31, 2011

crash and burn

Now let me start by saying I have no intention of turning this blog into one long moan about everything - I have another blog for that lol :).

But this week I am struggling. I am overly emotional and bursting into tears at the drop of a hat - anyone would think I was pregnant haha - No I am not pregnant - we are a 6 kid family end of story lol - not sure I could handle anymore for a number of reasons. Although Darren says he is still not convinced and has reneged on the promise of a vasectomy saying he is worried I am not ready for that. Hmmmm I think he is just chicken :D

One reason for my emotion is yesterday I had heard the news that a police officer on the Gold Coast was shot, I watched the story and was upset and mad. Later that night I was sitting watching TV, knitting when the same story came on - I looked up and there was his face - someone I knew - not really a friend but we worked together years ago - he was even in theatre for the birth on one of my children. Words can't explain how I feel, I don't even understand it myself. I am heartbroken for his family, his wife, his children. He had a daughter about the same age as my youngest, I just look at my Sawyer and cry and think of his Grace.

I remember a gentle, happy, reserved guy who wanted so badly to be a cop. A triathlete who worked hard to achieve his goals. Its been quite a few years since I even thought of Damien and I am positive he wouldn't even remember my name so why am I so affected by this?????????



Another thing bringing me down is my impending return to work from maternity leave. I was determined that I was not going to return to full time work - well guess what I am. You have no idea how badly I do not want to return. You have no idea how mad I am at myself for not doing what needed to be done during this time. But I guess I just have to accept that my goals haven't changed they may just be delayed a little.

which brings me to my last issue - CouCou - I am worried when i return to work I won't be able to devote enough time to it. I really want this to turn into something, not a multimillion dollar enterprise - just to earn a little extra to facilitate my ability to stay home at least part time. I am worried that I am not good enough - that people just don't like "me" I have disappointed there has been not a lot of interest. I'm not really sure what I expected to be honest and I am extremely grateful for the interest I have had - I'm not sure what I should be doing or what I am doing wrong - I guess its all a learning curve. Like I said before I am trying to take it as it comes and not take it personally but I will admit I am struggling with it. My husband has always said that i need to just put myself out there and the rest will happen but you know what I'm not so sure. ARRRRGGGGG the self doubt is killing me.

OKay so that's it my official woe is me post. I apologise. I promise the next post will be a happy smiley sunshiney post - really it will :)

Saturday, May 28, 2011

one week

one week since we kicked off, and what a week its been. As I suspected its already been a bit of a rollercoaster for me. In just a week we have surpassed 100 likers - thats more than I hoped for and it is largely due to a special friend but meh at this point I'll take it anyway I can get it lol


One thing I will have to learn is to just take it as it comes. I tend to take all things personally and must stop myself from overanalysing everything....why didn't that sell?, don't they like my stuff?, is my sewing up to scratch? on and on it goes - but thats just me I've always been worried about people liking me. Its been something I've been working on for a while now - all I want is to be myself, my true self which may not be the me some people are used to but slowly as I get older I am starting to like the real me and I really care much less than I did if anyone else does. Although I happen to think I'm pretty cool hehehe.


Anyway I am rambling - I tend to do that :) . I know that I am for the most part I am enjoying it because I lay awake at night with ideas running through my head - sad but true!!!! I need a mantra I think to repeat to myself when I am having a moment but I am learning and thats never a bad thing right? 
My goal for the first week was 100 likers - didn't think I'd get there but we did, Hmmm goal for week 2 let me think on that - well I do have one in mind but I'm not sure I want to share it hehe - gotta keep some things to myself right?


Anyway until next time

xxx

Saturday, May 21, 2011

A new journey begins

So it has officially started - I bit the bullet and opened a facebook page selling some of the things I have made. I hope everyone comes by and likes it and maybe leaves a little comment even just to say Hi.

I have no idea why I am so nervous, well I do really I am quite sure its the insecurity coming out. I am always/have always worried that people won't like what i make, that its not good enough, that it just doesan't measure up in any way, but with some convincing from my husband I have made what is for me a huge step in just putting myself out there and opening myself up for criticism.

So I am hoping you will join me on this new path, it may not always go smoothly but lets hope its always fun.

Welcome to the wonderful world of CouCou